Wolstencroft Counseling & Consulting

No Greater Love

by

Joseph Wolstencroft, PhD

      The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.  And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die." The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.  But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said, 
      "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of    

         my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for

         she was taken out of man."

Genesis 2: 15-23

        Greater love has no one than this: that he

        lay down his life for his friends. 

 John 15:13

       This February 14^th we once again celebrate Valentine’s Day, a day when school children, friends, lovers, or even those who would never expect it are sent a warm and special greeting, singled out for no other reason than to be the object of a loving thought. Today the valentine heart is a symbol of love, for deep affection, and even of sincerest regards as friends.  The day is attributed to not one but two saints who were both martyred on the same day in 270 A.D., both named Valentinus.    One was a physician and priest, the other was the bishop of Terni, Italy.  Each was brought to Rome and executed for their Christian faith.   However, what we actually celebrate came out of Europe two hundred years ago to commemorate the beginning of spring when the birds began to mate.  Since that time the tradition of sending notes and gifts to the object of one's affection has steadily taken hold, probably in large part to manufacturers of chocolate, greeting cards, and of course florists!

      Today, let’s get our walking shoes on, and borrowing Robert Frost’s beloved poem, travel down a road usually not taken, down a path to a place that one would not usually expect as a Valentine’s Day message.  But, it is.  In fact I consider it the first valentine given from a man to a woman.  It is a powerful love story of a man and a woman, that not unlike many of the fairy tales we read in such classics as Snow White, complete with a poisoned apple, jealousy, and attempted murder.   This one has a different twist, however. This one is true.   We are going to the beginning, to the beginning of creation.  The first scene opens with Adam in the Garden of Eden.  

I Come to the Garden …Alone!

      In the beginning God made Adam perfect, but He also made him perfectly lonely.  He said, “It is not good for man to live alone.  I will make him a helper (literally "one who saves his life")” suitable to him."  Adam agreed.  He was lonely!   Okay so make Eve you say.  Nope.  Not so fast.  Isn’t it interesting that the next task God gives Adam is to name all the animals.  All the animals, and the birds too!   God brings every animal, every bird, and every creature that could hop, skip or jump for him to name.   What I believe God was doing with Adam was helping him realize that there was truly nothing like him on the earth.   If you think Adam was lonely before, the depth of his life of isolation just skyrocketed as he went through one species after another finding absolutely nothing.  He is all alone.  Adam has this hole in his heart not unlike ours.  He had desires and emotions that he didn't understand a longing for someone.  He dreamed of being able to hold them, to walk and talk with this someone, to be their friend, protector, warrior, and lover.  Adam had this void crying out for the one that would capture his heart and his affections.  

      Someone might ask, “Was God was not enough?”  The answer is a resounding “No!”   Even within the Godhead there is a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit.  In fact in John 1:1 where the Scripture reads “and the Word was with God” that little word “with” actually means “face-to-face.”  It’s just hard to translate.   The Word, Jesus, was face-to-face in perfect intimacy with the Father.   Even within the Godhead there is both relationship and intimacy.   Adam, as the crown of creation, who is a reflection of God Himself has the desire for intimacy with someone that is like, but not like him.   God has imparted this desire and need to love and to be loved into the framework of Adam’s life.  Loneliness is an understatement. 

God’s Finest Creation

      Adam is told in this next scene that in making someone for him, his life saver, it will cost him.   But the anticipation and desire are worth it, even if there is pain.   He has heard about her.  He has dreamt about her, anticipated her arrival.  When God finally does make the woman, He puts him to sleep and forms her from a part of Adam’s side.  God has promised him, and now as he wakes up God is walking over to Him and introducing him to His finest hour of creation.   Adam sees for the first time what the loneliness, the waiting, and all the anticipation was all about.  This was truly God’s gift to him.   He opens and rubs his eyes again and again wondering if he is still asleep and dreaming staring in disbelief upon the radiance that stands in front of him.  He then says, “Ah, this is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh, she will be called Ishah (the feminine ending for the Hebrew word “man”) because she was taken from Ish.”  I have often heard that the English equivalent of this phrase is “Wow!”  

     Can you hear the excitement in his voice?  Can you feel the tears streaming down his face of joy as he gazes for the first time at the most beautiful creature he has ever seen?   And he has seen them all.   Suddenly Adam, who can rattle off a thousand names of animals in a heartbeat, is speechless.   He can hardly contain himself.   His eyes will not escape her beauty.  This is not the time for shyness.  Can you hear Adam the poet anticipating the coming of his Eve?

I dreamt of you - but did not know your name

I searched for you – though you were so far away

            But I knew that someday we would meet

            And embrace our love that day.

I longed for you – when you were just a thought

My heart stood still in the wonder of it all

 But I knew that day would finally come,

            When our hearts would beat as one.

Then suddenly in the twinkling of an eye

You came radiantly into my life

My heart’s desire took my hand in hers

And we walked, and talked, and dreamed of love that day.

            Soaring.  Higher than an eagle flies

            My love floats to touch the face of God

            Gracefully.  As a doe in a meadow rests.

            Your beauty from within makes my

            spirit glow.

        And then those moments as they see each other and God leaves them just to be, blesses it, says it is good, you can hear Eve respond with words to Adam’s that only a couple deeply in love can say,

I truly feel enveloped by your love Adam,

            Your care, your protection.   

God designed you so perfectly for me. 

            You are mine and I am yours. 

            I love you with my whole heart.  

The Battle

       Unbeknown to them in the next scene there is a battle about to be fought and they are the prize.  The battle may not be the first day, or even next month or next year, but it is coming.  We have no idea how long Adam and Eve were in the Garden.  It could have been years.  What we do learn from Scripture is that Satan, the most beautiful angel of creation is jealous.   The rebellion which took a third of the angels is now raged against God's crown of creation, Adam and Eve.  Adam is going to have his love for God and his love for Eve tested.   He is going to have to choose between them.  He will have to give up one to keep the other.  His decision may cost him his very soul.  Satan does not need to tempt or trick Adam; all he needs to do is get to the beauty.  Satan disguised as a serpent twists God's words into doubting the significance and truthfulness of what God had said.   But once she eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil her eyes are opened.  Not a poisoned apple, but poison all the same.   Look with me at Eve who is now alone with her thoughts.  Her eyes are opened, she is scared, terrified of what she has just fallen victim to.   She has been deceived.  She is now alone in a world that she suddenly finds ugly and cruel with emotions she is not designed to either understand or deal with.  She has lost her innocence.  

        Eve is never held accountable as Adam is for the Fall.  Her pain is increased in childbirth, but it is Adam that is held responsible.   Adam was not a puppet.  Eve did not simply give Adam some of the fruit of the tree and he ate, end of story.   In retrospect that is exactly what happened, but it isn’t.  The Scriptures just do not envelope the whole story.  Eve was deceived.   Adam, the Scriptures teach us elsewhere, made a conscious decision in what he was doing, Eve did not.  And while the results of her being tricked bring physical heartache to her later and to all women, it is Adam that is held responsible for not protecting her and allowing her to be deceived.   Adam knew exactly what he was doing when he ate from the tree and what it would cost him.   

      She looks to Adam.  Can you see the horror, the worry, the uncontrollable crying, the absolute terror and fear in her face?   The rule was clear, if you eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you will die.  Their eyes meet.  Can Adam walk away?  Yes.  Could God make Him another Eve?  Sure.  But that is not even his question.  Can you hear the agony in his voice?   This is his Eve.  This is Eve.  This is Eve!   “This is my Ishah!”  And she looks into his eyes desperately longing for him to make the whole situation go away.   "Are you going to leave me?   Adam...Adam...Adam what do I do?  Adam what are you going to do?  Help me, please!"

      Could it have happened like this?  Yes, maybe no.  But we should understand the depth of Adam’s love for Eve from the moment he saw her.  He was inseparable from her.   She was his life.  We also know that Adam was very cognizant of where Eve was and that she had been  tricked.  He also knew that he could not lose her.  Adam made a conscious decision.  Did he consult God?  No time.  What would he say?  God leaves him to make a choice because love requires it.   Each of us has a will to choose that is free.  What will he do?  He must make a choice between God and Eve, between life and death.   It is in his hands.   He knows what will happen to him?  God made that clear.   But Adam had something that many couples have between them, a depth of care and love for his Ishah. 

The Choice

       Adam loved Eve.   The Bible says that he knew her.  Personally, deeply, romantically she was as a woman, his graceful doe, and with her he soared in the heavens as free as an eagle lifted onward and upward in unabashed freedom.   She brought out the best in Adam and made him alive as only that special woman in a man’s life can do.   She completed him.  She was his helpmate, the one who saves his life.   And yet here he would be asked to make a decision.  Would he lose his soul to stay with the woman that brought him life, the one who has his very heart?   To stay with Eve in her world he would have to not only disobey God, but betray Him.   Adam, in taking the fruit from the tree and eating it, told Eve that she was more important than his relationship and friendship with God.  He knew that in following through that he would die with her, but he did it for Eve, his valentine.   To choose Eve meant an uncertain future.   He had no idea how God would react or what the ramifications would be even the next day other than he knew he would not live forever and that he would cease living.  And while the whole human race bears the tragedy of what he did that day, what we often miss is that he chose to take the hand of his Eve, walk with her, the love of his life, hand in hand to the tree and eat from it.   There is no greater love than to give one’s life for his friends.  Adam made a choice that day to die to be with Eve.  He did it for his love of Eve.  He did it freely.  I don't know a man alive today who would have made a different decision.  

The Father’s Greatest Valentine

       Jump a few thousand years later with me.   We are in Jerusalem.  It is the Passover meal and the second Adam, Jesus, is now in the same position as the first Adam.  They are sharing the Passover meal and Jesus is telling the disciples that He is going to die.  Now the opposite is true, to obey His Father, it will cost Him His life.   He has been offered to Satan, a ransom for the world, so that what the first Adam could not accomplish and failed to do, He will because of His love for the Father.  Just like Adam, it is still a choice even though His mission is clear.  After leaving the Passover meal one of His disciples will betray Him once again.  Once again?   God’s love is rejected again by those who walked in the Garden with Him in intimacy.  

      He goes to the Garden of Gethsemane, and as the Scriptures tell us, with agony so strong that He sweats great drops of blood.   He is the Father’s Valentine to the world, His mission of love, to you and to me.  By being nailed to the cross for our sin, He becomes sin.  This perfect face to face intimacy is replaced by “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”  Don’t miss this!   Jesus, in undoing the results of Adam’s deep love for his wife over that of God the Father, also sacrifices His own life for His Father to bestow on them both honor and redemption.  This redemption is for Adam, for Eve, and for all those who come to faith in Jesus Christ.   

     The relationship is restored once the act is completed and He dies for our sin, but we are talking about something greater than the splitting of the atom, this is the tearing apart inside of the Godhead for you and for me. What started out in making a decision for Eve in love, and abandoning God who walked with him every day in the Garden, God Himself pays the ultimate sacrifice to undo the works of Satan on mankind.   Whereas God Himself is abandoned by Adam that day to be with his Ishah, today God Himself makes all things new shouting that we are a new creation.   But it will cost Him.  It will cost Him the life of His Son on Calvary. 

      Greater love has no one than this: that he lay down his life for his friends. 

      He did it for ……………………………………..love.

To the Reader:

       I wrote this story last year shortly after I had sent out No Greater Love, a piece I wrote for Valentines Day using the backdrop of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  For those of you who have asked, it is available.  There had been a delay in writing after Valentine’s Day.  Shortly after sending out the Valentine piece, I received word that my mother had suffered a stroke attributed to her twenty-five year journey with cancer.  She passed into glory a week later on the following Sunday morning February 25th, the first day of Lent.  My father, who was to relocate and live with me, almost immediately, began to decline in his own health and had to be hospitalized three times.  He too passed away four weeks after my mother.   Losing not one but both parents in a month is a transition that none of us are ever prepared for, but what I became a witness to in watching my parents interact is nothing short of a gift.  It was and forever will be a legacy, a legacy of true love.  And the story that will unfold for you in the next few pages is not one of sadness without hope, but one that says more than ever that love not only conquers all, but was given to us by God to help us see Him clearly and what He is all about.  I began to write this piece shortly after my mother’s passing.  Oh, and I have been encouraged to tell you to have tissues around!  Enjoy the journey with me.   

Saying Farewell:

Leaving A Legacy of Love

by

 Dr. Joseph Wolstencroft, MDiv, PhD

     7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. 13 We know that we live in him and He in us, because He has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like Him. (1 John 4: 7-17;NIV)

       I was given a special gift this past week.   As I watched the monitors and IV drips in an intensive care hospital room a story began to unfold before my eyes.  While I had witnessed it throughout the years, this was different because of the circumstances.  My mother, who had battled valiantly against various forms of cancer for twenty-five years, was now very rapidly losing that battle.   We often hear someone say that they want to be married to someone that they can grow old with.  What they are usually speaking about is being married to someone who they can love and who will love them back through the tests and changes in time.  I saw this in my parents.

     My parents, one could say, did the best with the hand they were dealt.   What is the probability of a bewildered little boy in 1927 who at the age of three, a note pinned to his jacket, would be abandoned by his mother and put on a bus, sent to his father who lived in another city would then grow up and marry a young woman from an orphanage who at age three would lose her mother too, dying while giving life to a younger sister?   These were my parents.  

     As I watched my father and mother together in the small hospital room my mind tried to visualize their first meeting in 1946.   Here a young 21-year old WWII veteran who had recently taken a job in Providence, Rhode Island strolled into the local coffee shop at Leggett’s Drug Store for lunch only to be mesmerized by the almost 17 year old blue-eyed, red-haired waitress that had soon captured his attention.  Soon extra helpings of ice cream were added to that now larger slice of apple pie and other desserts. 

     Sixty-one years later this now 82-year old husband stood over his beauty’s hospital bed.  He had intertwined her now stroke and cancer ravaged hands into his and was speaking over and over with soft words and a warm smile his love for her.  Then the remarkable happened.   I watched as my very frail mother turned her head and moved those blue eyes, ones that after 78 years still sparkled, to look directly into his.  She had struggled with her speech for four days and a lack of movement in her hands and arms.  Looking into his eyes I saw her uncoordinatedly now interlock her hands tighter into his to pull him ever so close to mouth with deep expression, “And I love you!”   Then she pulled him even closer so that they could embrace and so that she could give him a kiss on the lips.  It was a moment I will cherish forever.   It was now midweek and the last day that we would have my mother with us before she drifted in and out of consciousness. 

      Was this just a kiss?  No, it was not just a kiss.  This was the soul-to-soul communication of a 61-year love affair of childhood sweethearts.  It wasn’t the kiss, the words, or the embrace.  Those are the vehicles of expressing love.   Love is deeper than this.   The kiss said “You are my helper, my lifesaver.”   The embrace said, “You will and always be my Ishah.”   Those tender words spoken echoed, “I will stand by you and care for you, no matter what life throws our way,” even after a twenty-five year battle with cancer.   The words, the stroke of the hair, the smile with his eyes said to the one lying in intensive care, “You are still as beautiful to me as the first time I saw you the first time.”  And the response was still affirming that he was and would always be her special man.

     I thought that was the most important event I would see that week, but I was wrong.  There were many, many more.   Saturday night as I stroked my mother’s hair and said goodnight I was overcome by the impression that this was my final farewell.   I almost lost my balance and fell.   What was I thinking?  Even though she was now in hospice her vitals were fine.   What I realized later was that this was spirit-to-spirit communication.   I had never experienced something like this.  The body could not communicate, but what was this?  I now see that this was God’s gift from her to me.   I left dazed, emotionally overwhelmed, and drained, but knowing clearly that communication had taken place on a level I had never felt or witnessed before.   

      The next morning at 5:30 I received a telephone call from my brother who quite in shock said that she had passed.   He had been staying and speaking with her throughout the night, none of us wanting her to pass alone.   He was surprised because he had just checked her at 4:30 and all her vitals were fine.  He then went to sleep only to be wakened by the morning nurse who said she was gone.  “Just like her,” he said, “going on her on own terms.”  

     I thought I was prepared for anything, but kneeling next to your father’s bed and telling him as he awakened that the love of his life had now passed into the presence of her Savior was not one of them.  Even though I had been taking on more and more parental responsibilities for my parents, I was now a child again.  How does one say to their parent that the one they have walked with for 60 plus years is now gone?   His question to me, “What do I do now?” was not speaking of the immediate, but how could he go on in life?

      We went to the hospital and he sat down next to my mother.  He reached under the covers to hold the hand he had held just the day and night before, now lifeless.  I was again, an innocent bystander once more capturing something far greater than I had ever been a witness to before.   After about 30 minutes, wiping tears from his eyes again and again, he got up and stroking the red hair of the one he loved, he began to speak.  I do not know what he said.  It was between them as it should be, but then I saw him kiss her one last time on the forehead, and say farewell for what I would realize later was just for a short time.  He turned and looked at me with eyes that said, “It is over, it will be alright.  It is well with my soul.”   

      “Are you ready to go?” I asked.  He replied that he was.  As we drove back to his home very few words were spoken.  It was a time for both reflection, of stillness, and silence.  God has given us the gift of love for one another and many ways in which to express it.  “We love”, says the Apostle John, “because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19).  

        The way we speak love to each other comes in different forms.   Acts of sacrificial kindness, time together sharing, giving one a weekend together with all the details taken care of, giving tokens of expressed love, or of course those large ones.   This is the language of love.  I remember as a child hearing my parents in the faint stillness of the night just talking to each other.   For some strange reason it gave me a special sense of peace and security that all was well just as it was when I saw them embrace.   The gifts of love are even words of affirmation and gratefulness, and then more and more words.  But it isn’t just words; ah no, but the royal gift of listening.  Listening with an attentive and undistracted ear echoes how important another person is to us.  Does it not speak love knowing that someone cares about me, just me, and I them?  And touch, the touch of love, an embrace, the stroke of one’s hair and face, all these many expressions however great or small resound more than anything else a simple, yet such a profound message, I love you.  

      It is hard to put into words the next four weeks.   What began as a transition developed into still another tragedy.  One is never prepared for death, even though it stalks us every day of our lives.  I was prepared for my mother’s death, twenty five years of dodging one bullet after another.  What I wasn’t prepared for was to lose both parents in one month.  But then can anyone really prepare?  Not really.  Knowing the answers, the process and stages of grief, all it tells you is that there is big roller coaster in pitch darkness coming to your emotions and relationships and you will ride it for a time.  Sometimes it is worse to know what is coming up ahead.   Those of you who have gone through such losses know the journey ahead for me.   And as I move through this process I will be able to better assist those friends who may be behind me in the same process.

     It is a peculiarity that joy, sorrow, life, love, and death are all mixed together.  God has made a way for us to escape the corruption that sin has made on the human race.   Jesus said that He came to bring us life.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:16-17).

     When we face the great sting of death in our families, such as a spouse as some of my friends have, a parent as many of you have and now I, or even a child as I did years ago, we are riveted back to those great promises of Christ’s victory over death in the Resurrection.  I love those promises.  I look forward to seeing my parents and my son with resurrected bodies where the ravages of sin no longer has its hold.   We have just celebrated Easter once again, looking to the future for Christ’s return.  The Apostle Paul speaking of this victory over death tells us  

        "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the    twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.  For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory.” 

    To God be the Glory for His marvelous gift to us.  See you next time in word… 

“Dr. Joe”

Dr. Joseph M. Wolstencroft, PhD

The Institute for Family Strength

2484 Ingleside Avenue C103

Macon, GA  31204

Joseph Wolstencroft,

MDiv, MCE, PhD

     But someone may ask, "How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?"   How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies.   When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else.   But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body.   All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another.   There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another.   The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

    So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

      If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven. (1 Corinthians 15:35-49, NIV).

      One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was. Then the LORD called Samuel.   Samuel answered, "Here I am." And he ran to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."
      But Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." So he went and lay down.  Again the LORD called, "Samuel!" And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."
      "My son," Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down."  Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD: The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.  The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."
      Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. So Eli told Samuel, Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.' " So Samuel went and lay down in his place. The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!"   Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."  (1 Samuel 3: 6-10; NIV).

When Grief Calls Your Name

     Perhaps this conversation below will be one that you can say, “Yes, been there, worn the tee shirt.”  Or maybe you are here at this point in your life right now struggling to find “the way, the any way, the which way, the whose way, the how, the what was that all about?  Maybe it is a burden you have been carrying for a long time, but just couldn’t find the way through.   But most of us, if we are really honest with ourselves and our broken dreams, I mean really transparent, we are left with just “why?’  And many times it isn’t just why, it is why me? 

      What happens when God, like with young Samuel, not only whispers our name in the night watches, but begins to talk to us about how we are interfering with His best for our lives by holding on to ours?  If we listen, we grow closer to our Savior and our Father in Heaven; if not, we stay stuck in a quagmire of quicksand from which we cannot escape on our own.  Whether it was the loss of an untimely death of a spouse or child, a divorce that wasn’t wanted, a broken relationship, a child grown who has now become a prodigal, an accident that left one injured forever, a job or promotion that went to someone else, an unjustified attack on your integrity, the list goes on and on in many shapes and sizes.  It is worse when we believe firmly that God had answered our prayers and given us this special gift only to have it taken away again. 

      The following story is about relationships.  Jill, is a young vibrant woman in her late thirties, who had fallen in love with David, a recent widower who was left with daughter and a son.  Jill had been to seminary and was now working in a church as both a lay counselor, a writer for her denomination’s magazine, and leading a successful Bible study.  

     While her ministry was successful, she could never understand why she had been passed by in the marriage pool and being a mother, that is, until David came along.   Their relationship grew by leaps and bounds.  She thought for sure that he was the one God had finally brought for her. She had even bonded with his children and could see herself in a new role as mother. 

     Unfortunately just as quickly as the relationship started it was cut off by David.   She was left stunned, numb, dismayed, and unable to grasp what she had just experienced.  She was dealing with an empty chair, a hand to hold that vanished from sight like a mirage; and memories, memories that she could not put into perspective.  Then one night she had visit not unlike that of Samuel and she listened.  For her it was the start of her healing and restoration.

“Walk with Me.”

        “No!   …I can’t.”

 “Walk with Me.”

            “No!  It is too painful.” 

“Walk with Me.”

            “No!  Please, not now.” 

“Walk with me.”

        “Can’t there be another way?”

“No, my child, you must walk with me.”

        “I don’t know if I can bear it.”

“I will be with you.  Walk with Me.  I have much to show you.   If I don’t you cannot help others.”

        “But why me?  Why must I be the one?”

“You are not just the one, but you are My instrument, you know My heart.  I need your voice to show others the way to Me.”

        “How can I show others You when I can not ease my own pain with You?”

“You haven’t given Me the pain.  You have kept it.  You want the relationship back.”

        “I love him.  I thought he was the one, I still think he’s the one  You brought.  He understands my heart like none other.   It was  as though we just knew.  It is a burden I do not want to carry any longer.   It is too painful.  It has been so long.  Why is the  knife so sharp?   Why did it pierce my heart so deep?   Why is the pain so intense?   It is a loss I cannot continue to bear alone.  I want him back.  I don’t understand.  I don’t.   I don’t want to understand.   I just…  I just…”  

“My child let Me take your hand.  Please take it.  Look into my eyes.  What do you see?  What do you see?”

        “I see your tears Lord.  I see your tears.   Why couldn’t you fix it?  Bring him back to me.  Why did it have to happen this way?  I keep hoping, hoping that he will be back and I can’t move on.  Was it all pretend?  Was it not real?  Was it just a mirage?  I never get answers.  I just have the pain of losing him.  I am afraid that I will lose him forever.  He had my heart.  I gave him my heart like I had never given it before.  He left me with tears.  I don’t know how to let him go.  I don’t know how to move on.  I don’t         know the way.   I need strength for a journey that I am unprepared to take, to a destination I have never been…  

        …Can you restore my life?  You say so.  I don’t want to go here, I am dismayed.”  

“If you go to bitter you cannot come back to hope.”

        “What do you want Lord?   My heart, my heart with all of its pain, all of its despair, all its tears, all its hopes, for today and  tomorrow, I thought I gave it to You?   I see your tears Lord, is there another way to walk this journey of grief?   It has been so long.  Can You restore the joy once again?  Will I love again, ever at this level?  My heart is raw; it feels as though it has been battered.  I am afraid to give it away again.  I know I cannot stay here any longer.   I need to know the way out.”

The Seed of Rebirth

       The biblical passages above may not apply to every aspect of Jill’s story, but God’s character, His love for us individually and personally, His desire to know us and ours to know Him is just as true as the metaphor Paul uses in this passage about the seed.   The seed must die in order for us to see and gain His best.   This isn’t a question of building our lives upon some whimsical fate, but entrusting our dreams to Him, and sometimes those broken dreams in all their emotion, pain, and hurt.   

        Let’s face it. Sometimes we rush ahead of His timetable, or we do not bring Him into the picture as much as we could only to have our hopes come crashing down.  But this is different.  Sometimes God gives us gifts that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt are from His gracious and loving hand, but they are not for the purposes we think.   This is something to ponder.  Sometimes these gifts are to teach us, to move us from where we are, to bring us closer to Him, or to heal a wound that has kept us from seeing a glory that was previously hidden in us.   

      These events too can bring us tremendous pain and loss.  The writer of Hebrews calls it discipline.  We see the loss.  We feel it. Sometimes these losses scream forth the most intense and anguishing cry of our soul that we have ever heard.  It seems like agony.  We physically hurt and our hearts ache and ache.  And when it is in relationships like Jill’s, it cuts the deepest.   We didn’t bargain for this.  God has had another agenda for us, but there is only silence in knowing why.   It is the pruning of the gardener in John 15.   It is all about learning how to abide in Him, or as I tell my clients, learning how to just “be” with Him.  Jill’s struggle to understand and comprehend God’s purposes, yet wanting to hold on to her broken dream is the center of this story.   She is not unlike us is she?   

       Let’s go back to Jill…

“Do you trust me with your heart Jill?”

        “I said I did.” 

“Do you trust me with your heart?”

        “Why?”

“Because I have something to show you.  It’s about the seed.”

        “Father I give you my heart, my tears, my pain, my confusion,   my worry, my loss, my future, my present, my past, I need you    to take me as I am, to remold me into the person you want to serve you, if the mountains were to fall into the sea I would still have you.  I know this.   I believe it.  I have prayed this over    and over.  I understand loss, but I don’t understand joy.  I need  joy reborn in my life.  Will I ever get him back?”

“A seed has to die to be born again.  You cannot hold on to it, otherwise it can’t be reborn.”

        “How do I let him go when I can still see his face everywhere in  my memories?   Father you taught me in David how to love again.  You also taught me all about loss and pain so deep, so   cutting, it is something I never want to walk through again, but I know I will in other ways again and again.   It was like losing my      brother all over again when he died.  The grief has been more than I can bear.  I know it is a walk, but this, this is wrong!

        There should have been more.   Why could I not go back and    right the wrongs?  I don’t even know what the wrongs were.  Why does it need to be the empty chair?   Why does it need to    be the flower that doesn’t bloom, the orchid that cannot find its trail of blossoms?

         Father I give you my heart, my broken heart to repair, to heal, to make it reborn once again.   I thought I gave you my David, and all that he gave me, all that he taught me, all that he made in me to feel alive again.  I do not understand why he is gone, but I trust you with my heart.  I can not bear to trust anyone   again yet you will have to take the seed and let it die because I can’t do it on my own.   I confess Lord that I do not know how      to let it go.  I have held on hoping hoping, hoping, hoping…I        have watched my friends walk with me in the pain knowing that they could not help me, but only point me to You again and again.  Does he care?  Does he want me back?  Where is he?          What was our conversation about just a couple of months ago? He was there too I thought.  I could feel it, but then nothing again.   It was like a wound that was reopened all over again.     

        Father, I know this is a walk that only I can walk, and that You are with me.  Your rod, and your staff, they protect me, but my  heart was bruised.  I don’t understand.

        I don’t even know what the pull is or the desire and where it    comes from.  I have male friends now that want to easily take      his place in my life.  I will not let them in.  He got through like      none other.  I had gained a picture of how You had made Adam         and Eve and their love for each other from being with him.        Even my worship         of You at church was more meaningful than it         had ever been.  He made me to soar above the clouds. Then         when he left I began to bleed profusely with a never ending       stream of tears like a deep open gash in my side.  I understand        the words of the psalmist that his tears had been his only stay      throughout the night.  I have been there too many times.   I      understand rejection, but do I have to keep experiencing       everything to help others?  It is so painful.  Where is the answer         Father?   Is it in the seed that unless the seed dies it cannot   come to life again?”

“Have you prayed for him Jill that I could heal his wounds and give him his life back and…or did you think that was your job?” 

        “I thought it was my job.”  

“Can you trust Me to give him a new future without you?” 

        “Do I have to?”   

“That is the question, Jill.  It is not about Me is it?   It is still about you and him and you giving David his best.” 

                “Father, I want my best too.  What and where is my best from         You?”  

“It is in the seed.  The seed must die to be reborn with new life again.  Can you trust me with the seed?” 

        “I can.”  

“Can you trust me with David’s seed and that you might not be a part of it?”  

        “That is the hardest question I have had to face.  My heart                       says, “No, I can’t, and my deepest longings say no, but I know         that you are right.”   

“Can you give me his seed?   It is not about you.  It is about David and Me, his future.  Can you give Me David’s seed?   Can you give Me David’s seed, even if you are not a part of it and his future?  Can you give Me your heart to mend?  Do you trust Me to show you the way in time?”

        “Yes, I know that I need to give you the seed.  I know you               are right, I must give you David’s seed for me to grow and               that in order for me grow past this I must give you David’s         seed, not just mine.”

“You are not the owner of David’s seed.   I am.  Do you want what’s best for David or what is best for you?”  

        “For me.”  

“That is the part of the seed that must die.  If it involves you later would you be with him?”  

        “Sure.”

“But the seed still doesn’t belong to you.   It belongs to Me.  It is all about the seed.  His future is in My hands not yours.   Your future is in My hands not yours.   Your seed must die too for it to have rebirth.  You couldn’t walk with him through his wounds or his own grief, I had too.  That wasn’t your job.   He had to let the wounds go.  He is learning…Learning to walk now.   Can you give me his seed even if he is not with you ever?”   

        “Yes.  I understand.”  

“Can you be happy for him if it is someone else?”   

        “What?  Already the tears are flowing again, Father.  Why is this       so hard?” 

“Can you give Me his seed?  Can you be happy for him if it is someone else that I have prepared for him?   It is not about you.   It is about him.”   

        “Father I trust that you have his best interests at heart.  I trust                that You will bring the right person into his life for him, even if              it is not me.  I do not like it, but I know you are right as You         always are.   I give You David’s seed even if it means that I am         not a part of it.”  

“The orchid he gave you did not bloom this year because it had to die.”

        I know.  The last blossom fell off as the relationship ended.  It         felt like such an omen.”

“This seed too has to die.  There is a new shoot coming up in your life and in his, just as that orchid is about to send out another shoot now. Can You give me David’s seed even if you are not part of it and his future?  I cannot give You your future until You give me David’s seed.”

        “Father, why is this so hard to do?”  

“Because you experienced love the way I meant it to be for a reason.”  

        “For a reason?  Reason, what reason?”

“To know what it was like. You are my instrument.  Your seed, where is your seed?”   

        “I gave it to David.”  

“He gave it back to you. Where is your seed?”  

        “I don’t know where my seed is?”    

“Your seed is your heart, Jill.   Can you give Me your heart damaged, and battered for Me to show you your tomorrow?   Can you give Me your heart to show you the great things I have in store for you?  Can you give Me your seed?   It must die Jill, your seed must die.”  

        “I feel like it is dead.” 

“It isn’t.  It still beats.  Can you?  Will you give me your heart, your seed?  Will you stay close to My side now, not to a man to get your sense of being a woman, but to Me.  Will you let Me show you the way to life?  Will you let Me guide you to My best for you?”

        “Yes.  I can and I will give you my heart even if it does not      include David.”  

“That is the part that must die Jill, you must give up that part of the seed.   You received your validation as a woman from him.   He told you that you were a captivating and beautiful woman.   I have told you that you are a princess and a queen.  You did not believe Me.  I gave you David to tell you how beautiful you are.   Now that you are a woman I need to tell you how to be a queen.”

        “A queen?  A queen?” 

“A princess and a queen.   You are a queen in My eyes.  That is your name.”

        “I am a queen?  Why is this hurting so much, Father?   Why so         many tears now?  I am a queen?  Where is this poisoned wound        that has just been lanced?  When I grew up I never felt beautiful     to my father even though I loved him.   I had other relationships      where I had been abused.  I was never told I was a princess         although I craved it.  In my relationships I was not even told I was a woman of any worth.  But you say that I am a queen?          What is my new name?”

“You are my Victorious and Overcoming Princess, can you give me David’s seed even if his future doesn’t include you?”

        “Yes.”   

“Can you give Me your seed so I can show you the way to life?”

        “Yes.”  

“Jill, David taught you that you were a woman worthy of respect and to be cherished.   I am telling you that you are a queen, a victorious and overcoming queen.  You have fought and overcome very difficult events and         tragedies in your life and been victorious.  You are a queen. This was your struggle for the last six months.  It was all about the seed.”

        “Thank you Father for the seed.   I give you my heart with or    without David to show me how to be Your Overcoming Princess.”  

“That is your name Jill, My Overcoming and Victorious Princess.”

        “Thank you for my heart, and I put David’s seed in Your hands with or without me as a future for his best in his life with You.     And I trust that You will show me the way to life.  I give You       my seed.”

      The story of Jill’s is one that has been lived in countless lives of both single men and women seeking the “one,” the one God has brought for them.   In this case their connection was strong for the both of them.  But David began to pull away.  It wasn’t that only Jill struggled with the aftermath, David had to deal with great pain in letting her go too, and perhaps guilt in leading her to give her heart to him when he himself wasn’t ready for the responsibility.  That we will never know.   

      Whether your broken dream has been the heartache of a relationship like Jill’s, the gift of a child who has now become a prodigal, dreams as a child that were never fulfilled, a divorce you never wanted, an untimely death of someone so important in your life, the list goes on and on.  It doesn’t matter if it is one of these or one that is close to your heart.  They are all grievous losses.  They are real, and they hurt.  Some of these losses, such as in Jill’s case, can be carried on for years without any real healing.  When we have felt that God was directing our paths or “in it” as we say, and these events occurred, dismay and even bitterness toward Him can take a solid root in our lives.  The reality is that Our Father in Heaven is His closest when He seems His farthest away.   Our tears do not even compare with His for you and for me.  Listen to the counsel of the psalmist.

      When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You.  Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory.

     Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever… But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge that I will tell of all Your deeds.  (Psalm 73: 21 -26, 28, NIV).

        So what about your seed?  Is there one that you have been holding on to, holding back?  Only you know the answer.  Why not invite Him to walk with you, hold your hand, and bring you back into His heart.

See you next time…in word.

“Dr. Joe”  Wolstencroft, PhD

The Institute for Family Strength, Inc.

2484 Ingleside Avenue C103

Macon, GA   31204

(478) 746-5800

Reprints are available. 

Christmas in the

Heavenlies

by

Joseph M. Wolstencroft,

MCE, MDiv, PhD

     Behind all the hustle and bustle of purchasing that last all important gift for that someone special just in time for Christmas, the wrapping, running out of tape and gift wrap and resorting to paper bags and newspaper, listening to the eager and excited children who you could swear did not sleep the entire night, or wouldn’t let you, and waking up putting on a lot of “no decaf for me coffee today thank you very much”, comes that all important tradition of exchanging gifts.   So what if Santa gave you coal this year because you were on the naughty list, there is always next year’s list.   Exchanging gifts at Christmas is one of the many ways we use to express love to one another and honoring them with our thoughts. 

     There is another realm, a spiritual one that often gets misplaced at Christmas.   Now wait!   Before you think I am about to ruin your Christmas celebration and fun with your family with some “keep Christmas in check” guilt, this is not where I am going.   We need our traditions.   Traditions are crucial for the family, and they bring us together, especially those many traditions in our homes like watching the all important Christmas play about Scrooge, candle-light church service, the television specials, and the get togethers with friends and co-workers. 

     For me, I like giving presents, and I especially like receiving them, even if it is a new pair of socks, or the pajamas my kids gave me last year with miniature Santa Claus’ on them that were three sizes too big!   Gift giving is a way of expressing appreciation, of honoring someone, and giving them a piece of your heart.  It is really a tangible expression of our love.  And in a sense when we come together during these times we are playing.  And a family that plays and laughs together is probably one of the most important characteristics of making a home healthy, secure and strong. 

      There is this other realm often missed.  I am not thinking about the nativity, Bethlehem or the shepherds keeping their flocks by night.   This is something different.  This is a battle, a battle that must be won.   Why don’t you take a minute and walk with me into the heavenlies, into the last book in the Bible, Revelation.  I read and reread this chapter the other day and just sat back in my chair and said, “Wow!” 

     There is a reason why God put this chapter of Revelation for us to read.  He wanted to tell us something very important.  This is dangerous ground.  And here God the Father stands as a great warrior setting in motion His plan to rescue you, me, your family, and mine.   This chapter speaks of Jesus’ birth, but not wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.  He came to save us and set the captives free.  This battle was not fought on Calvary,but at Jesus’ birth.  What a picture this gives us of the depth, breadth, width and height of God’s indescribable love for us and His gift to us, His only Son.   So sit back and read, and tell me, what was your first thought you came away with?  

     Have fun, enjoy your family, and have a Blessed Christmas from my family to yours. 

Joe

The Woman

and the Dragon

 1A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. 5She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

 7And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

10Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
     "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ.  For the accuser of our brothers, 
who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. 

 11They overcame him
      by the blood of the Lamb
      and by the word of their testimony;
   they did not love their lives so much
      as to shrink from death.
 12Therefore rejoice, you heavens
      and you who dwell in them!
   But woe to the earth and the sea,
      because the devil has gone down to you!
   He is filled with fury,
      because he knows that his time is short."

 13When the dragon saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. 14The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the desert, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent's reach. 15Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. 16But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. 17Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring—those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

THE OFFICE ABOVE HAS BEEN SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR WOMENS COUNSELING




How to pick a counselor or therapist

You have a problem and don’t feel that you can solve it alone.  Your friends and family may not be able to adequately help you or your family with this one… So where do you go for help?  I frequently hear stories that clients actually pick an ad at random out of the yellow pages or look for a name that looks ‘good’ to them.  This may not be that best approach because your personal health, relationship or your future may be impacted by the individual you choose.  Certainly, choosing a counselor should be easier than rolling the proverbial dice.

Decide what you want in a counselor:

Do you want someone who has a particular specialization?

Do you want a specific gender or age range?

Do you want someone in a specific geographic location?

Is insurance important?

Does their faith matter?

Do you need testing?

Do you need their records to be supplied in the future for any legal matters?

How to pick a GREAT counselor:

First, decide what you need in this person or practice and decide what it is worth to you in order to see this person.  You may have to take off work, organize your schedule, spend more money or attend many subsequent sessions with a counselor.

A good counselor will have professional clinical training and a graduate degree. In Georgia it is possible to counsel individuals in many ways other than becoming state licensed.  A person using the designation of a therapist in Georgia must be state licensed gut It is not mandatory to have a state license in order to be called a counselor.

• A counselor needs to be doctorally trained or have a master’s degree.   There are very good counselors at both academic levels but obviously a doctorally trained counselor has the benefit of having more experience, education and training.

• Look to someone that has no connection with the counselor for a reliable recommendation. Don’t get your church to recommend one of it’s pastors or your neighbor to recommend her uncle on the sheer basis of proximity.  Nepotism is not a very healthy way of getting the very ‘best’. You should want the best for you and your family!

• Look for someone who is recommended by an organization you value  who has no direct connection with that organization.  Focus in the Family Counseling Services and Referrals is a very good example if you are looking for an academically trained faith- based counselor who professes to be a Christian.

• Call their office and check out the decorum of the personnel and find out how caring and compassionate they appear prior to getting paid!  It is important to be treated well from the start because this is aperson(s) who you may have a relationship for several weeks or months and continue to see on a regular basis.